When “No” should be your new “Yes”
Saying “No” is hard. I know. I am a born people pleaser, and saying “no” is an element of finding balance that I’ve struggled with for a long time. But that’s just it – it’s crucial to find balance.
If you’re stretching yourself too thin, how can you keep yourself at your best?
You can’t. Simple.
So why do we do it? Why is it so hard to say no?
Fear of missing out
Peer pressure
Being respectful of others
Lack of respect for yourself
Lack of self-esteem
Wanting to ‘fit in’
Feeling selfish or guilty
Craving recognition
Why do you do it?
And how often?
How many times have you agreed to do something that you don’t want to do? Attended a social function that you don’t want to be a part of?
The occasional obligation which involves doing something you don’t want to do – fine. An errand for a family member, a birthday party for your friend’s daughter, a dinner with your partner’s family. These events can add to your ‘self’. And even if you don’t enjoy the event, they are only moments within the chapters of your years. Blips.
However, what if you are a perpetual yes man (or more likely, yes woman)? The constant agreeing and pleasing of others can build up and cause drain.
After a period of weeks, or even months, of prioritising others, you can become exhausted. And this exhaustion can spill into all areas of your life – family life, commitment to work, focus when studying. Left unchecked for a period of weeks, months or even years, can also take its toll physically. And this physical damage is incredibly hard to heal.
Despite this hidden threat, the exhaustion can be hard to recognise, and if you’re anything like me, hard to stop. The guilt that can come with saying no, is quite impressive.
What has this got to do with your fitness journey?
Imagine this is your week next week...
On Monday, you’ve agreed to run an errand for a neighbour. The time you wanted to go to the gym gets cut short.
On Tuesday, you agreed to have a dinner with a friend. You feel pressured, and end up eating one or two more courses than you wanted, and not to forget that extra glass of wine.
On Wednesday, you have date night with your partner. You haven’t had a chance to see them so far this week. Here comes a repeat of the wine...
On Thursday, you have to work late. You’re covering a shift for someone. It’s okay, they’ll owe you a favour in the next few weeks. It leaves you too tired for the gym.
Friday goes well. Except you had no time for meal prep. But it’s okay – you’ll have a great, healthy dinner.
On Saturday, you have a lie in, you feel great. You go for a run, and even manage a few minutes of the mobility work that you’ve been promising yourself to do.
On Saturday night, you have to go for a friends’ friends’ birthday. You don’t really know them, but your housemate doesn’t want to fly solo. You crawl home at 4am.
Sunday is a complete write off. Food goes out the window. Your bank balance tells you that calories were at least 3000 in two hours.
If this week sounds familiar, I doubt that it is a one off. Being thrown off your plan is most likely your ‘normal’, and no matter how much you want to be (or think you want to be) consistent with sticking to a nutrition and exercise plan, it will never happen. It’s physically impossible.
And worse than simple fitness and aesthetics, fatigue, burn out, subsequent increased physical inflammation, and potential hormone dysregulation are just a few elements that can begin to develop. Unless you start putting yourself first. Become the yes person, but for you.
I know this from personal experience. Trust me, it needs to happen.
But how can you balance saying your yes’ and nos?
1. Firstly, take the time to figure out your priorities. If your aim is to lose weight, to improve your health, or to get that first press up, you need to put yourself first. You need to have a plan. Look at your schedule and assign times that you will dedicate to your exercise time, meal prep. Be firm with yourself, and others. A priority should be a priority.
2. Put strength into the priority. Make sure that the reasoning behind the priority is true to yourself, but make sure also that it is a powerful reason, something that you can hold on to. If your reason why isn’t strong, it will be all too easy to break. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to change your eating habits? Do you actually feel like the best version of yourself? Will you look back in six months, and be filled with regret?
3. Remember that you don’t need to ask for permission to say no. There is no need to over-apologise. ‘Thank you for coming to me with xyz, but I’m afraid it’s not convenient right now’. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t go out this evening’. You don’t need to explain your plans in detail. You don’t owe anyone an in-depth breakdown of how “boring” your meal prep is. Yes, the person may consider you “boring” for choosing a meal at home rather than going out. I have never, and will never consider a friend of client boring for wanting to spend an evening focused on themselves and meal prep. A person pushing negativity onto you is a reflection of themselves, not you.
4. Surround yourself with support. Friends and family members should be supportive of your goals. This is a key point to remember. They could join you for a night in. They could join you in cooking that new low carb meal. They should recognise that you are turning down a request. You are not turning them down. Just as they have the right to ask the favour or invite, you have the right to say no.
If family or friends, or that friends’ friend, don’t see this. If the pressure continues. If that person plays on your guilt, you need to step back and take a look at that relationship. Easier said than done, yes. Get to know yourself better. Examine what you really want from life.
Use yes to support your goals. Use no to become the optimal you.
#findyourformula
